Dear ____,

We had a confrontation last night that is still brewing fresh realizations in my mind. I don't feel like I handled myself -- or you -- very well in the heat of the moment, so I feel compelled to recount and digest through these words here. I've always worked better this way, on paper or on screen - through writing. It's a slow process defined by pause, by reflection, by the ability to edit and coagulate meaning. It's my own therapy, a truer reflection of myself than I could ever hope to gain from psychoanalysis. I don't expect a response from you, at least not in the form of a letter. I just want to try to sort out what I'm feeling about all this and be honest with you.

How do I even begin to get into this... I want to talk about death, about life, and the in-between. I want to meditate on a death that is deserved and a life that is worthy of remembering. I'm also thinking about music in relationship to dynamic experience: something you said recently about how music is the most dynamic mode of expression and what that says about you as a person, about your music, and about the fallibility of your words. There is also something to be said about the nature of friendship, of the multitudinous dimensions of romance in the world and towards each other, of love for fellow man and shared dispositions to the social terrors raging at large. At some point we have to discuss the ramifications and repercussions of suicide -- perhaps the ultimate act of selfishness or selflessness but not both simultaneously (?) -- as well as what it means to be a martyr and the possibilities of living a selfless life in service (subservience? subordination?) of/to others. And how do we approach the subject of knowledge, when will it be appropriate, and under what conditions? Such matters seem so sterile and uncompassionate at this moment, but I believe there is a relation here: of what one knows of themselves and what one believes they can determine or direct in their own existence, the power of determining one's own destiny. Many of these are recurring themes in our relationship, and others we have perhaps only superficially penetrated.

All these lyrics keep entering into my head. "This music effaces itself before no sophomoric slander." What we have been doing these past few months is powerful, emergent, undeniably potent, and potentially influential. I have never been part of something this unruly, this captivating. This band could never have existed before because none of us were ready, none of us could have possibly known how to put it together until now, and even now we don't totally understand how it came to be. There is a magic and mystery to this which surpasses metaphor, that I feel is wrapped up in the mess of life, by which I mean the fluid and dynamic existence that I want to live always in relation and in response to the revolving aetheric currents swirling around us. Beyond the aesthetic considerations of punk, hardcore, and power violence, of the freest jazz or the loosest chamber ensemble, there is an element within CTA which pertains to the primary apparatus of language, interpersonal communication (with each other as individuals, as well as we four acting collectively as a unified body exchanging ineffable information packets within the larger cultural corpus), and sonic vocalization of something undeniably political. We have outlined a platform that we can all stand upon and as long as we can keep a handle on our motivations I believe this may serve as a launching pad for a life closer to that which I have always envisioned being possible. I don't want to lose this, I don't think any of us do, I believe that you most of all would regret any decision that would prevent this magnanimous force from blooming into its potential fruition. Yes, I am moving to Sweden, but I don't want to abandon CTA. Indeed I intend to do everything within my limited powers to make the most of this project before I leave and I sincerely hope that we will be able to adapt to the new conditions and continue our experiments once I am gone, in some form or another.

Because like I said before, there is more at stake here than just some punk band. There is communication happening here, and whether or not people hear it at some local shithole venue is the least of my concern. That is not to say that I don't care about playing out in the world, but only to emphasize that it's the interpersonal communication that I find to be at the root of what we are doing. As long as we are participating, it is alive and we are activating experience in the present. Once we stop believing in the power or importance of our enterprise, it will mute and begin to be forgotten. It will begin to die. Moving beyond the concerns of our music, I believe this is the nature of human relationships in general. As long as they remain active, in the present, they are kept alive and contribute to the realization and expansion of human lives. Once they are stifled, suppressed, malnourished, and silenced, they begin to be forgotten, begin to die. All of these little deaths create a burden upon existence, one which I feel everyday but that I try to remain active in combatting by maintaining deep and intoxicating relationships with those that are important to me. You are one of these few rare creatures.

Selflessness and selfishness seems like a false dichotomy. Who can say that they are either one or the other, of course we are all always already both, or else not human. You have certainly proved yourself to be more empathetic, generous, and ultimately self-sacrificing of yourself for others than I have encountered in my own life and this is something that I admire in you. I applaud your decision to take more time for yourself, to act upon these impulses that you have been brewing upon for years, to make something manifest in your life that is not entirely dedicated to someone else's cause. My friend, you need to find balance. I am no sage and no saint. I have a degree that is worthless in most ways - as currency or credential at least - and certainly does not put me above you on any hierarchy. What I can say is that I was able to articulate to myself very early on that I was interested in a pursuit of truth, however it is that I was able to define it, and specifically in discovering the languages that might aid one in communicating these relations in various arenas. One of my major concerns for myself is to cultivate humility before the wellspring of potential in the universe. To this extent I have always tried to share with you what I know, or what I think I know, so that you might glean what you need to get yourself to where you want to go, not as your teacher, your master, or any other source of empirical truth, but as your friend, your compatriot, your fellow peer lost amongst the seemingly infinite options laid out before us. Whether I have proven this or not, I feel I have always tried to close the gap between us, to express the fact that I see more similarities than differences between us. It always pains me when you widen these gaps by describing how irreparably separate you will always be, how varied our experiences will inevitably remain, or how futile is the proposition that we might share an understanding of ourselves in relation considering our varied histories.

I have always believed, and still do, that the only one that has the ability to shift the course of your life is yourself and I continue to believe that you are strong enough in will and motivation to do so, if you would only believe that yourself. Some things you said last night made me believe that you are steering off course and that perhaps you need more help from me, from us, from your friends, than you are willing to admit. I don't believe you are weak, but it has become apparent that you see yourself this way, and I don't understand how you will be able to proceed in a healthy manner from this standpoint. This is not an irreparable problem, not in my mind. I know we don't think alike, and that is for the better. Believe me I have my own bullshit to sort through minute by minute, but perhaps the burden you have been hauling has become more than you can handle alone. You can't run away from your problems and you shouldn't always have to solve them alone. You need to understand that you have people here -- in this world, in this band, in these friends -- that want to see you succeed, and want to help you succeed. Let's figure out what we can do and get started. Don't shut down, don't push us out. Let us help you carry some of this so we can get back to work and make this happen.