Since we have been out here in the desert we have been experimenting with various hallucinatory substances in various conditions for social engagement and music making and this continued process has become a very important aspect to what we are doing. There has been discussion bubbling up about just that -- "what we are doing" -- that has left each of us to flounder for some sense of purpose and meaning that resonates with the subjective sense of self. At times I feel conflict brewing with ___, who certainly believes that I am no wise man but perhaps am somehow impervious to his charms and therefore a considerable threat to his fortified identity and manipulative means. ___ and ___ keep more to themselves as they are calm and contemplative during these episodes, but their silence often leads me to neurotic realizations that perhaps I just talk way too fucking much for other peoples' comfort. I feel an impulse to speak! However, last night I became tangled in a less emotive web of very familiar laser beam architecture that reminded me of a great many extremely important points and has since instilled within me a potent conviction for what I must now do.

I don't want to be too explicit in these letters, but last night I entered a trance state that I have not allowed myself to experience for many years. This substance was very influential during my nascent stages of articulating my ego and its relation to the world and when I returned to that warm comforting space last night I remembered something of who I really am. More importantly I realized some essential links that have been missing between my own self-aggrandized worldview and the functioning of the civilization as a whole. I believe I have uncovered particular points of focus and described very specific projects which will help fuel my creative energy well into the future, if I can only keep the ideas fresh in my mind long enough to act upon them. Let me see if I can sketch out what I'm thinking, for your benefit as well as my own:

1. Certain chemical compounds have had more of a lasting impact on my conception of self, my articulation of self-in-relation, my creative endeavors, and my hopeful attitude towards life than anything else. I need to stop perpetuating the taboo of psychedelics and recognize that there is a real body of knowledge (or at least a wellspring of intuitive wisdom garnered through heightened relations to the environment) that needs to be synthesized with a greater corpus of human history. I have particular skills and abilities that put me in an especially critical position to do so. I need to begin considering these experiences to be not only real, but also important and worth talking about.

2. Human life is based on relationships and without those relationships there is nothing and one is alone. I don't want to be alone. More than that, I have met many wonderful people that have helped me develop these ideas about who I am and what is possible and I owe it to them and to myself to maintain those relationships. It will be difficult, and in many ways doesn't make much sense, but when I move to Sweden I hope to get in better contact with certain people from my past in order to let them know how much they mean to me. These individually tailored letters have been on the back burner for years now and I am ready to motivate more energy towards this essential function of life.

3. I have realized something simple and essential about money, power, and competition, something so deceivingly simple that I don't know if it will even make sense. I find these human traits to be evil (not just bad or unethical), that is, to work against my conception of a peaceful existence. I can see in the world that the time is ripe for young entrepreneurial spirits to capitalize off of their ecological perspectives, and perhaps it is time that I begin manufacturing some kind of product to distribute my influence throughout the civilization that might also benefit myself. I can't really go into specifics here, but I have realized an essential connection between visionary articulations of utopia and the trade winds of the market place. I don't yet know how, but I hope to devise a plan to begin making money without having to work for others in manufacturing more excess. To invest into the landscape directly, bypassing the allure of material desire.

4. I need a space, but not just any kind of space. I need a space to think, to experiment, and to interact with the world on my own terms. This space does not exist so I have to make it. I have to will it into existence, and I think that it will be both a physical space as well as a virtual space. I also want to construct a web space where I can upload my own content and organize it how I see fit. From this virtual archive, I will be able to work with how all of my creative works link together in order to fabricate an idealized scenario for experiencing my art, music, and writing. I believe this is an essential step towards exhibiting my work again and will be one of my main goals when I am in Sweden.

5. I am full of love for a great many things although this love is not universal. I do not feel love for everything or everyone, and I wonder about this. All the spiritual texts teach an unconditional love, but I do not feel loved unconditionally by the universe and so feel no obligation to love it unconditionally in return. I have conditions, and I owe it to myself to define them. This will be a very interesting and controversial experiment. I am more than a dissociated philosopher panged by the guilt of profound empathy. I am alive and I want to be more alive, more in love.