I've been writing with a lot of commas these days and the sentences seem to keep on expanding with every breath. Please forgive my long winded statements and long form expressions.

I started this letter a few times now, in different ways, but decided to delete those attempts and start over because they were too formal, not direct or honest enough, somehow seemed to follow an obligation of etiquette which perhaps I was confusing for respect since after all it is my father that I am writing too. I am trying to remember that etiquette could even be quite important for you, as it is for me, sometimes, for as much as you strive to be an open minded and relaxed person you also concern yourself with the foundation of meaning, from which grows a fascination with responsibility, and ultimately a formal conduct that you live by. I would call this a kind of etiquette, a self-written rubric of social prescriptions, a series of subjective laws that you have invented and put into action in order to feel like you have worth in the world, that you are a good person, and that your life has meaning. I definitely relate to this impulse, and I definitely have my own set of rules being continuously reevaluated and revised which allow me to feel legitimate, not by some governing social or political body perhaps but certainly according to my own standards. I think that everything is wrapped up in this: faith, belief, and the constant excavation of truth; cultural importance, social hierarchies, and political follies to manipulate power dynamics; how we relate to ourselves, how we relate to each other, and how we articulate the importance of family; and even little things like how we make decisions about the food we eat or the clothes we wear or how we spend our time. As I tried to explain to you in a letter last year, I believe that we have much more in common in this arena than you sometimes admit, and I also believe that I came to these understandings by my own path not because it was inherited or forced upon me by you, so it is all the more significant that we have found ourselves asking similar questions.

Yes, for all our similarities on the philosophical level of morals and ethics I also can observe a great many differences in the specific interpretations. That is to say it is quite obvious to both of us that we are carrying on different lives with different sets of concerns and systems of action, but I for one am quite ok with this. Have we ever argued? Well of course we have, and I can remember a few instances distinctly as they have proven to be turning points in my life at least concerning my own conduct if not having lasting perturbations coursing through our relationship. I don't think this is negative. On the contrary, I believe that change can only occur through dissonance so I even take responsibility for instigating these conflicts, more or less consciously, working from the feeling that it is always better to deal with our differences in the light of day rather than suppress them for another time that will never come. Easier said than done sometimes... Anyways, yes we have argued, sometimes on cerebral dissonance (philosophical, psychological, political stuff) and other times on a purely emotional level that gets confused for other topics, like the resentment you were describing. I admit that it is sometimes difficult for me to deal with the way you choose to live - not your exterior involvements of course, but how you compose your inner ecology - but my frustration stems from my realization that I should not try to change you, only to give you as much as I can about who I am and where I stand in relation to your decisions. I think of this as a kind of gift, or a repayment, or a potlach: a kind of sacrifice of myself for the betterment of the larger situation. The arguments that I remember us having concerned a clashing of our ideologies and idealisms, of me trying to tell you that I think there is something wrong with the world or the people within it only to have it backfire into offending you on a personal level, or perhaps the other way around. Our disagreements have never become cataclysmic to our relationship because we are both more sensible than that, too wise to let such a thing happen, but the threat has certainly been there.

I want to tell you that I think you have always been a good father and that you continue to be one. You have never been abusive, always loving, you have always given me everything I needed and more even when I've made some really stupid decisions and even when I refuse to make some decisions that I know you feel should be made. You've never forced me to do anything I didn't want to do and always encouraged me to live how I think is right, which is how I'm living now, and even now, while you are telling me that you can't always understand the decisions that I make, you are telling me in the same breath that you will help me keep going. For this I will forever be grateful. More than that, I feel indebted to you, not so much a burden which weighs over my life but more as a foundation to the responsibility that I am active in articulating. You should realize that you - and mom also - are the fundament to my existence, not some unstable ground that I am trying to shake loose from but a well-tempered instrument with its own precision in its existential calculations. I don't have much to give back to you, not yet at least, a matter which is exacerbated further by our differing definitions of value. Neither of us are material people of course so that's not what I'm referring to. What I try to give you is "everything I have" or "all of myself," which is to say a kind of symbolic declaration of my desire to be completely transparent with you. I do my best to tell you exactly how I feel, even the negative shit, because I wouldn't want to ever do you the disservice of giving you my partial perspective. Over the years I have come to understand that even this requires a certain acknowledgement of the potential ramifications - a kind of responsibility - for when you say exactly what's on your mind you will inevitably encounter some friction. We have felt this friction before, and you have helped me understand that for all you have given me the least I could do in return is respect the life you have built for yourself and the person you are, so I have tried to do that ever since. If that is the least I can do, I am now trying to figure out what the most I can do is.

I'm on a strange path. It's an uncertain path full of risk, threatening total destruction, promising a slow initiation towards ultimate transcendence, with many adventures in-between. I don't know exactly where it will lead me, but that's also the point - to not know, to unlearn what I have learned. I have been thinking more and more about coming to New Mexico for awhile, maybe investing some time in Taos learning how to build sustainable architecture while being able to participate in some of your adventures around the US. There are some other opportunities on the horizon as well, some prospects that are not employment or at all resemble a traditional domestic lifestyle but I believe will allow me to continue being immersed in my art practice. Right now I am trying to maintain faith in that, faith in art and in myself, to nurture a belief that my ideas and expressions are potentially potent enough to arouse their own attention and that all efforts aimed at self promotion and long term sustainability are detractions from living in this dynamic present and all that it has to offer if I can only hone my focus upon it. What I can tell you is that I have everything that I need, for now, because I have taught myself to need so very little, after your influence no doubt. I don't know if I am a good son... I guess it's a matter of perspective, of which moral lens or ethical code I am considered through, but know that I'm completed invested in the asking of such a question for myself - and for you - and completely unconcerned with how it is perceived by the rest of society.

I worry about your health, both of you. I also worry about your relationship, your dialogue, your conflicting perspectives, and if you are creating a space for this kind of dissonance to play itself out. Even though we had some uncomfortable moments when I was home I also think we had some fresh experiences, as if my presence in the house begins to shake things up in a way that you both are not always pursuing, and I wonder how you feel about it. We can have any kind of relationship you want to have, you just need to say it, act it, and it will be. That takes practice, constant attention, attuned awareness, intention and focus. This goes for me, and for mom, and for everyone else as well. Personally, I am actively pursuing my "research" on the potential of human relationships and changing my mind about it everyday... it's why I'm here in Iceland, teaching at this school, opening myself to younger and older minds from many other worlds that I am unfamiliar with. I hope you also continue to open yourself to new experiences, to new ways of relating to yourself and to your wife and to your family and to your world, and try to embrace the dissonance as a harbinger of change. Well, that's my way and it doesn't have to be yours, but the theory is sound.