I will take a deep breath and try to not dismiss the potentials of this situation before I give them a proper chance to flourish into their own majesty. That being said, my initial introduction into the group of EGS scholars has not been overwhelmingly positive. There is the consideration of the groups composition - mostly young white males - but what is more disturbing is the relative lack of artistic representation.

My personal afflictions aside, how can I objectively entrain the motivations of the first session? There was a discussion concerning the overarching thematics of the biennales curation, the collection of these artists under a theme of 'by and for artists,' a general banner which seems to avoid a theme more than elucidate one. In light of this situation there was voiced a general dissatisfaction with the lack of clarity while simultaneously a complaint of too much clarity in the descriptions of the wall text. Some of the work was seen as trivial - works concerning color or overtly formal considerations - while others were deemed bad for their apparent idealogical premise being rooted upon a false fundament - universal humanism deemed no longer applicable to our existential plight. Some voiced the begginings of a hierarchicial opposition of themselves to the masses, other declared a preference for the sublime nature of being before a work of art. ___, one artist among the group, was good about asking questions in relation to these perspectives and I should observe the power in taking such a position. At the end of the discussion I was left feeling alienated, as though I was once again faced with the territorializing schema of having to demarcated and defend the primary ontology of the maker, of technique, of art as emanicaipation of a unique vision, from the throngs of all-too-eager criticism. I became frustrated and contemptuous, so now I must force myself to write through this scenario in order to arrive at a relative peace (or agony) before returning to the group.

I must be clear to myself in recognizing the necessity of outlining a position amidst such a group, as a model for the world at large and my functioning within it, for sake of sanity and posterity. I must be diligent in recording these scenarios in order to relive them again and again, to work through them as trials and tests of endurance and agility, as well as to glean from them tidbits of tension for future writing scenarios - I have my work cut out for me in this task. I must remember that I am an artist first, a philosopher second, that this is the path I have chosen to orient all of my actions and perceptions through, and from this rememberance will emerge my strength. Above all I must position myself appropriately (according to my own ideals, not those outlined by the group): listen, receive, remain calm, consider and analyse what is being said, and finally retort with the full force of my whole being - combing my physical, psychic, and philosophical prowess.

When we first entered into discussions the table was not big enough to hold all the participants. I failed at this first test: here precisely was the metaphor I had been working with for the past year and I did not seize upon the opportunity to modulate the situation! At one point Chelsea needed to stand up, another failure on my part in not joining her! Following her lead! These physical orientations must not be under estimated, indeed must be kept at the fore of awareness. What was lacking on my part in yesterdays conversation was such an awareness, the lack of my own voice (as well as other voices amplified through my being without my necessarily claiming ownership of them), a dislocation from my body at the bodies of others = where can expression sit at such a table? Remember what is at stake here: abolsutely nothing! All is grist for my mill, all of this world has been laid out before me to be taken up or dismissed as I see fit. There is no objective ruling order any greater than that which I might articulate out into the ether. Trust in the truth of my own conviction.

Must I require such a self-pep talk everyday? Perhaps, to regain confidence of course, but also to remember to remember! The project is already under way and I know what I must do.

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