A walk with ___ along the water discussing our own private pavlovian responses, seen as decidedly negative feedback loops: addiction to food or addiction to sickness. Brings up the question of (locating the epicenter) of control and if we are able to reprogram our neural passageways. Is this related to re-imprinting our psychic circuits (as described by Tim Leary and R.A.W.?). We explored Harpa - the performing arts center designed by Olifur Eliason. On approaching we were more impressed with the wooden crates outside, trying to decide what was in them, windows or art. I don't remember wondering what was inside the building itself for I knew only too well that it could only be more of the same, it is just a facade hiding more of the status quo. Walking through the threshold, ___ becomes upset by the "deception", the discrepancy between the open airy colorful geometry "promised" by the exterior faced with the reality of the low ceilinged dark gray hallway that we entered into. She was emotionally invested in the entry hall while I could only focus on the people, or rather lost my focus due to the people: a common feeling of anxiety in public place, to stop looking and move through as quickly as possible to get to a place more calm, less active, less polluted. Moving upstairs, ___ notices the neglected/unconsidered tables scattered around the brutalist architecture - the white table cloths resembling Grecco-Roman statues - and she is disappointed that so much consideration was (obviously) applied towards the windows with so little invested in the human use of this place. We agree it is an unhuman/dehumanizing building but for different reasons: ___ is disturbed by the imperfect execution of the idea, perhaps if it were more thoroughly considered it could be appreciated as a beautifully complete idea in itself, whereas I am disgusted by the transmission of the ideology through the aesthetics of the building so as cannot delve into such considerations. I'm left on the surface, disturbed by the idea structure, the architecture of propaganda and what it represents to my own mind, body, presence as a human, presence in the city. I choose not to acknowledge those details so as to not engage in the contract of interpretation leading towards succumbing to the ideology, perhaps a socially irresponsible position? Back to the idea of a cultural conservation of energy: does everything need to exist? Does all art need to be supported? Is "art" itself, in itself, for itself, always already justified? - A better question: does it all need to be considered? I would say no, definitely not. Expression is neutral, not necessarily always-already righteous. Stupid people will produce dim expressions, poor ideas will perpetuate a poor culture (deprived of nutrients, not in the economic sense). Of course the obvious problem: who decides, or rather how is the distinction made, and how to dispense with the excesses? To a certain extent this is already happening, of course, necessarily **so I must write my residency statements describing my work as necessary.

Some ideas are important to record and other are not? A discussion about our parents failing health and if we feel a responsibility to care for them. Can we help others, or help them help themselves, and what is the responsibility in that? Can we speak for others, or help them speak for themselves, or manipulate them to say what we want them to say? *the problem of sympathy, empathy, pity. What is the responsibility towards someone (like my parents) whom choose to stubbornly maintain their unhealthy ways - although they are wiser than many to be sure? Don't I also do the same (smoking, drinking, etc)? How can health be measured, certainly not by an ideal, not by perfection, not through the gross equalization of scientific nutrition standards..?

Returning home, mid afternoon, fatigue sets in. Every day is the same weariness at this hour. Should it be combated or embraced? Energy pill or a nap? "really?" "seriously?" These words that ___ proclaims from habit and have become a kind of joke... Are they simply innocuous, innocent, or perhaps represent something about her relationship to "the real" or to behaving in a serious manner? Related to humor and illusion? Gravitas! No, hilaritas and amore!

What do you think about marriage? A simple question that unraveled into a complex emotional friction that threatened to negatively impact us both. ___ associates marriage with the ceremony representing it - the wedding - and the aesthetics that comprise it, cannot understand "what marriage means" and refuses to give an answer as to her possible participation. I try to outline the difference between the objective/ontological statements of what it "is" vs. the subjective/opinion statements of what an individual thinks about it - recalling the more accurate e-prime as a way of sorting out such disastrous pitfalls. The conversation escalates to near disaster, feeling threatened, attacked and "interrogated". I begin reading Barthes, sections on weariness and silence: perfectly fitting as I feel both. I'm understanding my own exhaustion with the tedium of the conversation itself: not language or content but the inefficient use of it stemming from inhibitions and fears coursing through the sublimated currents, the "elephant in the room" as ___ has remarked, her intimidation that she will not be considered as smart as me, as equal, as accepted. The dialogue breaks and ends - doesn't feel good, but was cut short before any real disaster only mild bruising. What is the lesson to be learned from this experience? To temper my own line of questioning (no it can't be!) or to be more sensitive to our dwindling energy levels at that time of day and choose to perform some other kind of activity? To keep vocal or to keep silent? The merits of silence, of restraint, of tact and letting the subject fall to the floor without killing it: requires a more mature sensitivity that I should hold myself accountable to.

Low energy in the evenings. I'm always restless at night. "afraid of the darkness" of the dying day. Some other activity should be cultivated during this time, perhaps a creative pursuit which can be more mindless and not require language: video editing, audio recording, visual practice! Physically stimulating activity. The morning is a time for writing, for ruminating, for words. A precious space opening up following sleep and anticipating the energy of the coming day, a moment of potential, of awakening, anticipation. Both of these times should be considered and cultivated for their own strengths.

And what about all these other ideas that I've had, over the past months, all the thoughts that haven't been written down? *this writing exercise seems significant as it recounts the immediate activities of the day before, but if too many days pass then the experience fades in memory. I must develop a way or regularly recording, either by carving out a space for regular writing or by non-invasive digital means (or both!).

-the house, its history, its materials. The stripping away of the old to loosen it in the atmosphere. The sawdust invading the perimeters of the body, through the biological membranes. Zoning out (or in?) to repetitive activities.

-Zizek and The Parallax View: the void, the other, a certain procession of highly rational thought. Delanda and a new theory of history: escalation of scale = scaling. Baurdrillard: desire/seduction, the invisible hegemony, simulation.

-"processing" the ontogenesis experience, related to the lunga experience: the social dynamics at play. Still requires further ruminations, a project in itself. Discuss today?