This will probably be the last day that I write in this format. The transition that I have been waiting to occur is now upon me: signals the shift from rumination to action! There's a lot to do, to compile, to sort out and organize. Now is the time for lists of tasks, items to be crossed off, projects to put under way. A few last remarks about recent history, recount it for processing: timeline ::

December.

Sweden. Strange feelings closing out this period of radical hermeticism. Ate mushrooms with ___ and was filled with overwhelming sadness, deep wellspring of affect, felt bad at the time but now I see that perhaps it was because I had grown numb and this was the beginning of an awakening. "I love you but I'm not in love with you": final words that resonate terror in relation to ___. All of my possessions left at her house: what a site! Magical house in the Swedish forest with an incredible/beautiful human! Contrasted by the schism with ___: breaking with the superficiality of Stockholm.

*___ and ___ as archetypes, characters in the OOFKAUU.

___ = wild in society calm in the forest, powerful loner lost in her own maze and all the happier for it. Wielding natural magic and speaking to cats.

___ = another kind of wild in society, more mindless, drunk on masculinity (and beer). Powerful because of resources not psychic energy. Prioritizes family values to keep life whole, really a man of dim values, modern nihilist believing in nothing.

Las cruces. Another schism with my parents, or dad specifically. Argument about how he doesn't feel appreciated, rather neglected, or somehow taken advantage of. He is perhaps? Witness a confrontation between my parents which puts their inner workings on the surface: affects me more than I thought it would I suppose as it eventually brought me back here. I'm hesitating to begin the next project, choosing to finish up what is in the past instead and take a break to conserve energy = good strategy!

January-march.

Seydisfjördur. Powerful reconciliation with humanity. Slowly at first, learning to reintegrate with the beauty of the world. All of the questions are laid out in public view = workshops (remember to revisit and chart their contents!). Realization about how much information there is and how difficult it is for others to access it: my work cut out for me. I give in to the process and heal my severed links to humanity, let love back in, turning point. The OOFKAUU articulates itself. Remember these documents = access and organize. Not just images but text works also. Should be represented as a website. Remember also the process-ing of music information = write down the schematics for this process and put its mechanisms into action for themselves! Relation to video, poetics, stage design, etc = all the aspects of a grander production. *the work is beginning at this stage: ontogenesis: must wrap up the contents now so that the next phase can begin.

Beginning of april.

Humans all show up to produce the prologue for the opera, which becomes something else entirely. This was a powerful process which demands its own space for thinking/feeling through. Put simply: what I felt to be a failure became a radical achievement: putting the dissonance into action. This process needs to be charted, graphed visually, to be understood: the music is a map of a territory which we were actually treading through. The real human relationships "suffered" as a result: do not neglect them! I owe everyone a proper apology, or explanation, or at least a symbolic attempt to keep the conversation open. *this conversation should be documented and brought back in to the fold. *remember the tension about the other group performing: we are the professionals and they are the amateurs, but in the end everything was flipped upside down. All a mess, but a beautiful one! Vacuum noise.

End of april.

Everyone leaves. Tour is over. Awkward ride back to Seydis with ___: I owe her a letter too. Emotional exhaustion, feeling disoriented. Attempt to recalibrate in books: Delanda's new theory of society x3, Baudrillard's invisible hegemony. Meet ___ and begin a wild series of conversations, a new way to converse, based in love. This is what I was searching for with the opera prologue: radical openness. I fall in love without wanting it, without knowing it, but then giving in to it completely! What a powerful emotional realization... "the universe is a black love"

May/june.

Sterling. Back to a private emotional life in a way, focused on the project at hand. Witnessing first hand that an intense work mode does not allow a space for quiet emotional meditation: physical exhaustion of body but also a time for mental relaxation due to lack of rigor, numbness. Long days of quiet, feeling the transformation of a space into something completely other: power invested in the physical materials.

Somewhere along the way...

A realization of what I am doing with the OOFKAUU: ontogenesis = the origins/creation of an ontology, statement of being/becoming. The prologue sets the emotional scene, the coordination of various aspects of the conversation = the conference table (even if it's missing a few legs, or is only hazily in view, it is felt!). Now the second phase: articulating the prologue into something concrete: begins as a process of condensation = "reverse-engineering of experience" into various notational forms to serve as a fulcrum point balancing the past with the future anticipation: the present is a fulcrum.

And now, lots of work to do. Make the first list:

• Organize all the notes from the recent readings into a network of researches: books, notes, ideas, notebooks. A chart of anticipated trajectories, of the known.

• Organize all OOFKAUU materials into a nodal neural network: website

• Visually map a system of musical production based on the creative conceptual plagiarism developed in iceland and the desire to improvise-as-communication. Orient this flow chart towards specific algorithms in max and ableton. Begin making more music!

• Continue drawing vector graphics for aspects of the opera: most easy to communicate with others! Working towards a book + website of these collected works

• Architecture

• Clothing on the body

• "things" = power objects correlated to memory

• Scaling: from microbiological forms to metatextual narratives

• Begin video production = towards a revitalized video scroll as a medium to disseminate the content of the opera = even better for applications: focus on one short and potent video work.